Week 52 - Detachment

Desperate year
Starving
To learn in the end
Detachment
As blissful as
'Houston we have a problem'
Going all that way out
Looking for a BFF
I found her
Less is truly more
Suspended
Still
Inside

Week 51 - 168 Hours.

I fell down the stairs this week. It;s actually a much needed thing, to fall down a slippery flight of stairs to get real with your life.
I of course, was left with a fervent need not to live again through sludges of bullshit !
And for the ringing in my ear, I have resolved to buy the best earplugs for my iPod I can lay my newly leased hands on.
For the rest of my life, I have resolved even more to put to greater use of the 168 hours a week I am endowed with, like a dowry for a change in life experience as marriage is, I am going to do more and less of what I did last year!

Week 50 - I must be stupid or something.

Don't bother with the duct tape this time,
I'm done with it so
Chuck it away, this old thing
To waste anymore time, scathing
Like I have nothing else better to do

This time it is different
because I can't cry
I can't disrespect my soul
begging, in the labyrinth
I know so well
To bury myself in your darkness

This time, the rocks are dashed
jagged cracks in an old woman's heart
and I see less in my horizon
before my foggy dry years
when I won't even remember what it is
that is broken

I have seen it, o'course I have,
In the thousands of days
I have been yours,
you have wielded it, and given it
but not to me,  and not to me

So, my ship I know will never come
even as I set loose my sail
You lose your way at the start
where your distractions blur me
And I fly away into the orbit where you spin me

Im scared, scared of the nights
scared there will be no loneliness
scared the emptiness wont find me
scared that I can live without the chestful of thumps
scared the sadness wont own me

My body slips on an old woman's skin
whether you do or not do
what you should be doing
just to make this woman smile
Something that made her want
so badly, it killed her.

Week 49 - I am nearing something

But I am not sure I will enjoy it
I know it is what I need and I might not like it
But I have to find it
I am Crocodile Dundee and Pirate of Caribbean
I am about to behold the treaure I know I seek
But there are doubts because I want so much to love
This NEMESIS!

For just one moment, can we do this

Blood - G, donno.

Hunger - er, we do not wear G strings.

Water - Great, why?

War - Google Terrorism.

Canada, let's treat G click, let's air lift, person bloodied, hungry, sheepskin water jug, child not waking to peace and plonk them with G#.

Next G to be held, oh, where gangs are rallying, where they line up for food for half a day, walk a marathon to dig their water and for sound effects, there is nothing like war.

Week 48 - Why that is so sorted out.

The beauty of life,
The beauty of new days ahead,
The beauty of a journey's bend,
The beauty of you in beautiful life.
Thank you for being there yesterday into tomorrow.
Have a prosperous and fulfilling 1433!

Week 47 - Extraordinary me.

‎'I can't believe that!' said Alice.
'Can't you?' the Queen said in a pitying tone. 'Try again; draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.'
Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' said she: 'one can't believe impossible things.'
'I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.'
Excerpt from Lewis Carroll's Alice Through The Looking Glass.

I am here.

Week 46 - Give ma a break!

What is it about growing old that makes us so fearless? One minute we are kids ourselves and the next we are parents, wielding power and knowledge over our children as if we know everything. I think we spend way too much time and energy over-parenting. We should give kids space to grow, to understand who they are without us constantly buttering their thoughts with our pounding views and rules. Whe...n children are our only focus, we overlook that they are watching us and learning from us in ways we do not see. We forget about living our own lives before time runs out, and simply be role models, mentors and compasses to these witnesses of our habits, our passions, our goals. Leading beyond barriers, achieving beyond dreams, if we did not do it for ourselves how could we have taught the kids to know their true worth and how to harness their own greatness?

Week 45 - Who made me ?

‎22 years, I see you and I know where it all went.
Would I do it any other way?
Yes, I would ... I would slow time down.
You are more than I was at 22.
I am more now than I ever would be because of you.
You are my legacy. God, what an awesome seed upon whom I grow!
Happy Birthday, Fatema!
 
So here I am, inching to the end of the year and finding myself lost in my own-made warp. But there is another magnet that makes the warp and it goes haywire. I am grounded here because you made me the warping, mangled, funky, Hobbit - who feels like a hundred carat gleaming diamond !

Week 44 - What if both the doors and windows are bolted shut tightly?

They say, 'When God closes a door, He opens a window somewhere else.' Whoever attempted to enter anywhere through a window was shot down and is not here to tell us how it went. But why would a Benevolent God put you through that, get you to look up and figure the window is your salvation when you are downcast and disappointed? Doors are doors, not walls, when doors shut they always open again. Take the break and smile at the person in the mirror before you have to run out again through that brand new opportunity of the open door.

Week 43 - So much regret for doing so much that never paid off.

Everyday that this year draws to an end, I am thinking of my family, my friends and my collegues, wondering what milestones were crossed, what obstacles were crushed, what triumphs heaved us up this year. I know we lost some dears, through the unknown barrier of death, and we made new bonds who will make this journey bolder in colour. Let us take this baton into next year and make it a catapult to bear us unto new heights never imagined before.

Week 42 - To my memories of my pains.

You are old enough to behave however you like, and I respect that, and I am old enough to know that I shouldn't accept your behaviour if I am to respect myself.

Week 41 - Friends, don't come here please.

I am swimming in my pool of lies
I fill my eyes with its lust
I take deep breathes of reality
How buoyant is the truth
It drifts over me and soaks in
I am heavy with it
And when the lies evaporate
I am wrung in my folly
Burning in the draught
I become a prune of shame.

Week 40 - And I lied

I lay on the beach.
I worshipped the sun.
I dreamed the non - dream.
I eat the offers.
I drank like mad.
I heard what Nemesis spoke
I listened to my heart scream
I drowned in the lies.

Week 39 - Escapade

I am planning an escapade. A jaunt to nowhere. A sight on silence and detachment from the cacophony of my life. But my Nemesis wants to follow me there.

Week 38 - My Need is Wrong

I do not want to need what only I see in you,

Do not want to be lured by that quality that you dont know you own,

I know that you do not need me,

And that you do not want me equally,

And I am the only one who sees it that way

Week 37 - If you want to do it, do it. But if you never did, so what?

Problems and struggles come not to cleanse our souls. Unforeseen circumstances, irritable responsibilities - they come not to test our faith. All in life is good and simple. A burden cannot be put on the shoulders of one who will not be able to bear it. Should you take it upon yourself, then make of yourself a beast of burden or a heavy weight champion. And if you can't, then take it off your shoulders and live your life. There are no second chances to life, one lives now, there is no tomorrow.

Week 36 - And I find myself again at a precipice!

What happened today will change the texture of tomorrow. A splash of no control. That moment you got swept off the cliff and your parachute is tight and secure, but you don't remember it is, because you took it for granted.

Water? What the... ?

They narrowed their eyes and warned us,
about over population in some places.
They said the desert was creeping in,
when everyone was chopping up the trees.
Oh they noticed that the hills melt away
Running into urgent streams to fill the ocean.

They warned us
They wanted us to stop
They warned us

fat lady sings

goodnight my sweet girl

i am taking this show off the road

the fat lady is singing

now

Can't it wait another day?

Flames engulf me, swallowing my body

My thoughts vanish, before my body breaks

And I dont know it, that I am no more.

By Tasnim Jivaji

Words hurt when they form injurious questions.

Goodness knows why everyone needs to know the Why and How of my life. I do realise, I am hearing their preprinted script in the dialogue for the territory I am in. When all is 'said', I know they are 'done'. In the meanwhile, I will browse and enjoy where I am, 'cause this is just a point in my journey. I'm keeping my compass deep in my pocket for a while, I want to linger before I search for a destination. It should be waiting for me no matter what, in that beautiful horizon.

Week 35 - I know you are relieved. Your relief is the friendly twist in our banter. It's over now, once and for all, and this time there is no guilt.

"I have a thick skin," you said. Friend, our whole body is enveloped in skin. It is no armour, frankly. There is a reason that our head has a spread of hair on the skin, and a hard skull under it. The skin might be thick as you want to make it, but then, it is porous. Look to your own Creation, protect what goes in your head, let the skin take the sunshine in

Week 34 - Newness makes me want to find who is who?

Friends for a lifetime, friends for a season, friends for a moment, friends for a few days. How hard is it to part from a friend we meet at a beach on a holiday, spent the whole two weeks together of the most gorgeous time ever? It should not be less hard than the breaking of the fair weather friend. No less than the nice person on the train who taught you that strangers hold the best conversations! Be your own friend for your lifetime and no one else can break you where healing never is.

Week 33 - No Woman No Cry

So I signed a new contract on my life.
I sold my soul.
But there is something new in this new.
I may be returned here for a reason and I know it is not for the same reason that I signed the first contract for.
I want to say life wants different things of me now, but the feeling is, I want less of life things now.

Week 32 - Days of Birth until Death do Us Part

Misri Birthday today. Feels good to be born on such a great day. No wonder I'm so blessed. Lailatul kadr is here. Want to thank The Almighty and to Everyone and say Thank You for loving me. I ask for forgiveness, never would I want to hurt any of you with intent. May we live and die in peace.

Week 31 - Lumps that take life

I am told there are lumps in my chest that could kill me.
If there is anything that such a thing can do to you it is to learn whether you are ready to be stuffed in a small space underground with just only yourself there.
I am ready. I want to do this. Why not?
To tell you that I am thinking about those I will leave behind, I would lie a little. Because I am not thinking about them in a way that makes me elevated to them missing me, more me missing their lives.
I am conjuring their old faces, their children's voices, their spouses' hands touching them in ownership, their thoughts engrossed in happiness.
I am not ready because I have a list of things to do that I have not even started on in some ways.
I have tons of lists, this list just might not be ready for me.
So what does it mean? Does it mean I am not destined yet to get to that stuff, or has that stuff just passed me by?

pms

PMS - Pissed Mad Sister

PMS = See Me Please

Week 30 - Let us forget so much but not that we are human

I watched A Prophet. Europe has quite a deal, with the diaspora living there. Deep biases and stubborn hatreds steeps the organic life of dangerous minds penned in. Europe being the geographic centre of Earth, has to be used to the invasions of nomads passing through, taking refuge, enjoying the temperate lush. But it hasn't, even those who came for whatever reason forgot their survival story.

Week 29 - For all those nasty things that we must not indulge in.

I am reading - Like The Flowing River by Paulo Coelho. This is an easy read because each chapter can be read in less than five minutes - not so easy to read and to forget. I love this one line in the book where he talks about people who work hard, 'who try to preserve the dignity of what they do.' Paulo is one who can write a line that stops me stunned because of it's beauty, meaning and utter genius.

Week 28 - Divert back to where you want to go

Ok people, lets talk about those dreams. Those unfathomable goals. Those fearful heights we have not been thinking we can climb. One small child from a small town in Ontario, here in Canada is someone to focus on, Justin Bieber. Now don't go saying I have The Fever, because from the era I come from, I got the fever long ago. Focus, if he can - you can. So, stop that enemy within right now and grab yourself a future.

Week 27 - But where is the person who lives here?

I have a strange life,
Everything anyone ever wants is here with me.

I live a strange day
Everything doesn't happen as I planned.

I want a strange truth
Everything I want is not what I have

I am a stranger inside me
Everyone is what I never expected but is here now.

Week 26 - It is officially the middle of the year and I am in the middle of a muddle!

And this muddle sets me apart from the rest of them all!

I want to be magnificent.
I want to be just what the doctor ordered!

And I will get better at being me.
No matter what!

Week 25 - I feel the lies piling up

I have no idea where to look when I am stuck in a lie.
Part of me wants to turn back the clock
Part of me wants to never be in this swamp

All in all it is the bitter sweetened fruit in the middle
of the dormant fragile crust that is buttered and kneaded
and baked in the heat with vents to let out the stench!

Week 24 - Everything I ever hoped for is happening.

But I do not like the feeling inside. I think I wished for the wrong thing to happen. But I am on the top of the roller coaster and I know that I am going to hate this ride, I am going to lose my dignity swearing out loud, but come out of this fine. Fine and relieved. Fine and alive. Fine and swearing never to do this again.

Week 23 - Where are all the lovely hours gone?

When I was young, I had the nerve!
I went about the hours of my day and everything made sense.
I did not live for many people and I had my life cut out.
The way I need it to dress me and for everything to work out.

Now I am grown and used to this life,
I know how to live and how to get around,
I have it all figured out, the meaning and the rhyme too.
But I have nothing I want to make the harmony of my soul

I live the way I want to still, go about the way I do,
But the people dont matter to me and I dont matter to them
They do things for me I do not want them to and they dont like what I do
Nothing rhymes like it used to and nothing sounds like it should.

I want to say that Nature is right,
you go when someone is hungry
cause living and living and living
like this can get boring too.

Week 22 - Well the garden isnt speaking to me.

Someone or the other isn't speaking to me at any given time.
If it is not my heart then it is my head
I cant imagine why I want to speak to anyone
When all I want is peace and quiet and stillness in my soul

Week 21 - Summer is in the air!

I want nothing more than to be alone.
I just want the rest of everyone near me gone
No one here means anything,
The people who do, are tragically drawn
To those who dont.

Week 20 - Freaking out because there is nothing working

Sometimes it is better that things don't work out the way we want them to.
I find that after a lot of painstaking needs and wants and wishes. Writing to the Universe to give us what we want - and then getting it, it just doesn't work out like we hoped.
And this thing comes and bites us in the face!
If you have ever been slammed in the face by a door, or been elbowed in the centre of the face where the nose and the eyes meet. You would feel the immense pain that is. And sometimes wanting something badly enough, isnt just needing it. Cause when it comes, boy can it hurt and does it torment the living daylights out of you!
So be careful what you wish for, be careful what you ask of the Universe, because it will send it forth to you and sometimes you are better off just wanting and pining away than getting it, I am speaking from experience here!

Week 19 - Blogging about goals

Ive been sending messages on Facebook, hoping to motivate myself. Hoping to motivate someone else to come out and say, let us do it together. But nothing like that has happened. It is getting pretty old this year and time isnt waiting for me and you. What else could be keeping us so busy?

Week 18 - The truth that we cannot make the past the future is not clear.

Do you see the time ?
The people of the world
Living hour to hour
Making the noise in the pocket

Do realise what date it is?
When revelations are naught
And everyone is a messenger
Shamelessly instilling shame

So do you see the truth
Or is it the way you want to say it
Or the way it has to be when you want
Skillfully denying all else that is real

Week 17 - I want to know what it means to not want

I am catching up on blogs not written. I started the year with a weekly blog and I stopped somewhere at week 16. I stopped calling them by the week, but I blogged, and the sticker on Facebook, for that week, went on. But here goes the blogs, for that person in the 30th Century who will want to read this and find me to be someone who did not finish what she started.
Which I am so not!
There is something profound about this year. I think its the year of the crunch. The year I get real with myself and the year that my many idiosyncrasies leave me. I find this week the need to need a true friend. A real friend - no bones, no skin, no mask, no script kind of friend. Maybe I would put it on Facebook, but I dont have the energy to lure the loonies who have nothing better to do but torment a really tired person like me.
Thank you world for having this forum at this time of my life, because if it were not for this I would have had to wait for the circus to come to my town.

Week 16, 2011. Tornados blew over the world this week. People scorned the weather and asked why. I was outside most of the days in the whirlwind immersed in my work, and I faced the urgent winds and thanked the Universe for jostling. Because to me it said, the year is rushing as fast as I am, do you hear me?

I have no words here to say that will embrace the essense of my week.
What a week I've had.
I am riding on a magic carpet, and it feels like a high I have felt once before, when I first flew a plane solo. I got the title Captain then and at that time I knew I would need no other. Now I still need no title, for what I have done is nothing I thought I could do and seeing me do it is overwhelming me.
I am making my rookie mistakes and overcoming daunting hurdles, all with legal ties and snares. I want to say it is worth it, that I like this challenge, but I do not really.
I want to sit by the window and crochette and read books, maybe write one of my own, and drink in the world like a superb cup of tea.
This huge a challenge at this age in my life, is good for jostling my body and brain to keep in shape, and for me to know there is a reason why I still am needed here. But if there is a cost that I might pay that will jeapordise my sanctity, I want the Universe to know, I will not take that well.

Week 15, 2011. A prayer.

I want to begin this one with I. I want to say everything here with me and I. I want to say to myself that I am important to me. That I mean to do something immense with me.

I want to die having done all that I want.
I want to live knowing I have not wasted
I want to live with the truth that I really know me.
I want me to rely on she and I.

Pith

You know that sinking feeling in the pith of your being
In the morning that spells this day is going down the chute

You want to stay in bed
Not go towards the chaos

But staying is making it happen also
Because not doing anything is failure too

I know this sinking feeling I feel in the beginning of my day
That spells that I do not have any control of my life

I want to stay in this zone here
And not leave towards what might be

The same thing happens no matter how many times I do the same thing
To get something different I must do something differently

I know that feeling in the pith of my being, am I reading it wrong
That it is excitement, a jump start, and it is me who doesn't leap so it dies when the sun sinks.

Tasnim Jivaji April 14th, 2011.

This is the end of fourteen weeks for 2011. What have you done so far that makes you love being who you are?

This is already a mass of putrid thoughts that lead me here.
I can change this with a mere thought.
I can be who I can love.
And the science of attraction will attract love to me,

But why do I love those who do not love me?
What quirk of quantum physics is that?

It's easy when it's not so bad.

Rock bottom, and there is no song
written yet that will pull me up.
No line written on any paper that will divert me.
So down and out, so worn and dry, I'm lost

But here I am, floating in the darkest moment
Letting time lead me away,
each breathe a rung on time that will take me further away
from this languishing sinking sad hour

To when I will by default not linger here
that another scene, another happening,
another something will take over and I will not need
to be here, that I dont have to live through this.

‎13 week, 2011. Voices that lead you away tell you to do easy. Easy is my relationship with my self. As for the rest of it all, everytime I fall, everytime I hurt, at every rejection, interjection, hurdle, listen to me; at every hot hole - I'm still standing because I have myself. Someone else cannot dent me, cannot poke me, cannot scar me, willl never scare me. I am who I am because I own it.

Why Oprah? Why not you? What's so special about Oprah? Oprah is a fat black woman who had a bad start in life, she should be steeped in bitterness right now, licking her wounds, feeling sorry for herself for the rest of her life, not rolling around in her green dough like she is! So get over it!

Why not me? Why not? I have a dream. I have a dream everyday. Everyday I write it down, think it, live it. Why not? What else is there?

Week Twelve, 2011 - I might be what I want to be, but I am what I can be.

This is a low low low for me. This is the week Murphy is having his party on me! This is the week that I do not want to live through, but here it is. This is the week I want to step back, step out or just step away. I love this! This week is here, it happened and now it has to go! It is Friday, Babe, and the week is out! So, now that this is done with, what happened happened, what else could ever go wrong?
Aint no place lower than this, so up is the only way to go.
Its low here, I cannot see the top, so I know it is high. Better close my eyes and grit my teeth, because Babe I'm on my way up!

You know that Eleven Weeks are gone of 2011? If it is Friday, 18th March and 2011, then Spring is here. The cold days are gone and the fresh and new is here, take it the way it is, there are some really wonderful days coming for us!

The Secret to healthy living is in the neurons. How they fire, how they toll, how they sing. If the neurons have forgotten who they live inside, if they make their owner seem smaller than they, if they ever go overboard with shooting off their ends, then there are strict and drastic orders that need to be made.

One, live inside me, be me, make me, love me!

Two, fire for me, never at me, never ever forget what fires flare me up.

Three, you work for me, be my nerves never make me nervous.

Thank you, now be a spark and tickle my funny bone.

Week Ten 2011, I am an egg that only the most positive and happiest can fertilize. I am a seed planted to flourish. I am a soul soaked in sunshine.

What does one person say to another that can make the experience worth the time of life?

One can say we are, drifting in our own serum, breathing in ether, feeding off each other. What your words say, make us or break us and then we will die. Smile so I may see how beautiful I am.

Week Nine - what waits for you is your very own miracle. Go on, open your heart and believe.

I have a problem. My mind does not stop thinking. It thinks so much that I cannot do anything else sometimes but blare into my ears loud music, drumming out the racing space, to pack the notes and beat into shape my peace of mind.

 But lately I have noticed times when I do not have much churning inside there. There is utterly nothing. Nothing I can even think of inserting to chew on. There is Nirvana.

I call it Nirvana because it is strange, it is no nonsense and it is rather quiet.

Having lived with a man for more than two decades, I have one thing to say about my this condition. I have been inflicted with his simple essence. Either that, or I am more man than I have already admitted.

Week Eight, the year of 2011 - and so here I am, two months down the road and seeing how close I am to the completion of my wishes, how close I am is how I already live it!

So I believe in the power of the mind-set. I believe that whatever I want will happen and Heaven and Hell has to make it happen.

See that is it, Heaven being the good and Hell, well the other. So what I think is I should use Heaven more than Hell to get things done.

If I have it that way, I harness the awesome and that is what I become.

I see it, clearly. I step into it, and, here I am, I am living it.

Week Seven of the year of our Lord 2011 - No one notices when something good stops happening until the bad starts occuring.

I know that my children are not different from other children. They have their angers, their blame and their thoughts.

To save them from these, to tell them the real truth, I want to tell them everything, but it won't make a difference. I have to live now, with them flown off the nest, with what I have left.

If a mother loses herself in her children, who does she have when they have gone? Is the person lost, so lost that finding oneself is impossible? Or does that person never leave.

It does not take long, it takes long, whatever it is that a mother has to deal with in the aftermath, she must know that she won.

We mothers all win. We win because they are. And for that mother whose child dies before she does, I have words of solace. Do not cry, do not want, be not bitter, for that child has gone to where we all will go, and you were there all of the time.

Week Six 2011- I cannot dredge the same lake over and over. I cannot be swept away by the same river. I cannot tumble forever down the same waterfall. I cannot be quenched by drinking again and again by the same drop. I want to evaporate and float back to the stardust from where I came and never ever drop down to Earth again.

Too much seriousness. Too much intensity. Too much. I can not do it anymore.

I am running towards being 50 soon. I do not presume that I might reach it. I made it to here. But if there is a future, I want to live in day tight compartments never again. I want to live in seconds, in moments, in breaths. In now.

I used to think that planning my day, planning my week, planning the month was a good method. But I didn't make time for myself in that grid. Thought I was living, doing the things that life planted within me to do and that was my role. But I am lacking today, lost in a maze. Daughter, Wife, Mother, every role else that I never planned  to be fits me except being Tasnim.

And now even I have forgotten who she is, Tasnim; she is lost. Lost in a dust storm. 

Life is a desert, we go from caravan to oasis, tree to well, dune to horizon, remembering the obstacles and enemies on the way to refreshments and friends. Chasing mirages and finding miracles. The desert takes us, colours our skin, hardens the soul and places sand within us in places no sand should be. I kicked up so much dust forging a path no one else could ever have chosed. Fought battles not a soul would understand. Etched out such a story what no one deciphered. And I am standing here alone, a winner, kept her family together, everyone's here, playing their part.  Grumpy victims winners.

My life became from Stardust. No one saw me coalesce from the Cosmos to this form. And yet it is this dust that I spend all my life in my daily ways to clean away, washing and sweeping, rinsing and repeating. Dust which never settles but which will become of me soon enough one day. 

But today, now, I wish I could have done what Siddhartha Gautama chose. Shunned the chores of the world and faced the reality of my self and taken it easy and found one day at a time a cherished gift, a wonderful embodiment of peace and calm and warmth. I could have been tranquil and satisfied with just me and marvelled at the spirit of well-being embalming me.

But, I'm the mother. The one job, the only job.  The truth is, parents do what they have to do to make you, the child who you should be, and care not for what their children think of that. It is done and that is that, one day rolls into the next turning into a lifetime, my legacy; monster of a mother. 

Parents they want more and more that children will bow and bend because of what they did. I do this too. Well,  the truth is, children do not care what a mother did. No child loves the mother for the sacrifices she made. They do not even want to know, to tell the truth, they do not even believe all the things a parent has done. Until the the robe floats down upon them and they have to play the part, and then, they will vow in your face to do it totally differently.

A wife, I am. The truth is, no husband wants half of what a wife does for him. He wants what he wants and sometimes doesn't even tell what it is he really wants, because he too is up to his ears with other's wants, exhausted  by the chores, the toil that comes as he plays his part and never gets a chance to know what he truly wants, eh, hey who knows?

And that leaves me, ok ..ok who? Who me?

Week Five 2011. Now that there are less than eleven months left to this year, there is no better time than to make the most of it. Come out of it looking better, smiling more and having had more hugs and kisses than ever.

I have a request to the karmic powers. I meditate and ask that I get powerful, positive and energetic people attracted into the sphere of my being. I want the goodness, the hyperactive love, the super-sonic purity and the surging volcano of laughter bursting constantly, a mighty spew to dump all into me.

I've been wondering how come I attract people in my life who do not care a hoot about me. I do have a few precious gems, so few, whom I love and cannot ever let know the extent of that love because it just might scare them and off they will run.

But now I've had it.

I read in a feng shui book once that brooms must never be seen in the front of a home. If you keep a broom where it will be seen in your house, it wards off visitors and so it should be always hidden. The book went on to explain however, that should you want to keep unwanted visitors at bay, then place a broom near your door and the unwelcome will be stalled. Well just so everyone knows, I do have a broom outside my home which if people want to, they will see, and I keep it to sweep the front of my home clean. But that does not keep the ugly away. Trust me, it does not.

I want to write this blog with the word 'I' as much as I possibly can, because it is about me and I am hoping that any person with a power enough to save me from my negative and selfish company will know that I want this more than I ever did anything.

Okay, I want to ask this, how hard is it for the Universe to render me with whom I am to spend the days of my life with. Not much. Good. So how much harder would it be to send people who understand the gist of preciousness of this life, who want to make this journey a treasuresome one, who want to leave this earth a better place than how we found it, to be with me, huh? How much harder is it send me smiling always, gentle companions, loving nature, doing what makes sense types?

I want spots to change, I want to swap the constant lesson on water conservation, waste management and simplicity for someone who knows it better so I can learn, I want to kick the blues of idiotic reasons and have a mentor in better reads and more knowledge so I can grow, I want to stop craving for understanding and unconditional and have mother the real, in the bosom of my home.

Now hard is that for the Universe? Get on with it, I want it by the end of the month!

Week Four 2011 - Maybe it's better never to chase dreams, and just go through life wanting to do so.

Sometimes, things just don't work out the way they have to be. I know, that goes around in my life quite a lot, and I really see that I am not alone in this. People they mask things, they invent things, they ignore things.

Ignoring is good. I like that, I recently discovered that. It works. I don't mean, see a bad thing happening and just look the other way. I mean see a bad thought coming and change my mind. Ignore that thought.

I like that it works. I like that it can be done and no one knows it's happening. I like that it makes a whole lot of a difference to the quality of my life. I like that it never fades if I don't allow it.

Fading is so drastic when one is aging. I am aging and it's not funny, it really isn't. Aging is like a license to letting go and I do not want to use it. Not yet, not when I have a license to be whatever I want because at my age, no one really cares and that keeps me off the radar to do just whatever I please.

And so whatever happens, I hope it happens because it is good for me, because I do not want to lose my dignity in this, and people they won't mask things or pretend it never happened, they won't ignore this. And then even if I want to I won't be able to change my mind about how I feel about things.

Week Three 2011 - People are afraid of what they want, of their desires. They stopped listening to their hearts, to their souls. And now they have their eyes, ears and minds set on whatever is left, whatever is easy to follow - led by the media to live in the shadow of their idols.

I can't imagine what has happened to me. I find myself changing rapidly. A new simplicity is dawning over my already simple mind.

Things I believed in are not making sense to me now and I want to spend less time on being that person and more time on being - just being authentically just merely human. The faithful in me is saying let some of it go, less is more.

If what I let go is important, I might lose myself into an abyss of doubt, or I flounder into a deep oblivion of
worthlessness.

Seriously, those thoughts though are not coming to my mind as I go through the day, only now when I write did they come up and so I write them down. What I feel is lighter, easier, and healthier than anything I have done.

This week I walked through the Malaysian Rainforest. Awe-inspiring is an understatement. You have not seen the earth that God made until you have walked in the shadows of the great rainforest and heard the the overpowering noisy nature and wilderness sing. To say that God is in us, that God is everywhere, is okay, but when you walk in a rainforest, I swear, when you are inside a rainforest you feel like you are inside God.

I am changed, I am growing and I am found.

2011, Week Two folks - when you wish for something, the Universe hears you and helps you make it happen. Just dream it and want it and then there is no holding the rivers back.

A new beginning awaits me, you and everyone when the year starts. Two weeks ago we were joyful and anxious with excitement at the front of a new horizon.

New things are bound to happen, they must, shouldn't they? Two weeks can't change that, because things have started to happen, those that are hard to face and others that are not.

For me, hard to face is looking me firmly in my face. Is it that I wished it so long that it had to just happen, or that I hated to think that it will turn up eventually and now, here it is.

A lot of us have dams in our lives behind which we love to be, because it is safe, or maybe it is not safe but safer then what we might face were we to take the tumble down the razor sharp blades of the turbines and shoot ourselves into a place that we can't deal with. But then who knows, the freedom of being away from that old fish pond into new fresh waters might be a blessing. So here I go, I am taking the plunge.

I am taking the plunge because I was pushed, actually. Just because I can't see the future doesn't mean I have to wait for it to reveal itself, I can make my own outcome, can I not? And I did and it showed me that I can be freed from the dam, I can fly out and get to where I want when I want.

I am liking this.

First week of 2011 - Listen to your heart. It beats faster when it is telling you something important, and it sinks when you don't listen.

Resolutions are already broken, people are walking around already like chicken, or sheep, one chasing the brightest not knowing its just got an itch in its leg. Cause they have no staying power with their own lives, their goals don't matter.

Have a feeling this year is going to run by faster than last year. Doesn't it always?

Who knows anything any better than they did last year? People forget.

The Pharma companies already want their bonus, and are sending out their hue and cry for us to take that flu shot, funny how the Government keeps paying for them rather than using the funds or part of to find out whether its a farce or not. Big companies would be no where without the Government.

Imagine drawing up a business plan for that business you always wanted to open and say, will cook up something that will scare the population, send it to the laymen in Government with a stalker lobbyist to chase it, and finally get the Government to finance my life forever! What is happening can happen again, try it.

The homeless guy got a great job because he was at the right place at the right time. Who would have ever thought that the place where he was, was ever the right place. I bet you drivers were passing him by everyday and saying bad things about him. Well, baby, look who's laughing now!

I love this life!