Pith

You know that sinking feeling in the pith of your being
In the morning that spells this day is going down the chute

You want to stay in bed
Not go towards the chaos

But staying is making it happen also
Because not doing anything is failure too

I know this sinking feeling I feel in the beginning of my day
That spells that I do not have any control of my life

I want to stay in this zone here
And not leave towards what might be

The same thing happens no matter how many times I do the same thing
To get something different I must do something differently

I know that feeling in the pith of my being, am I reading it wrong
That it is excitement, a jump start, and it is me who doesn't leap so it dies when the sun sinks.

Tasnim Jivaji April 14th, 2011.

This is the end of fourteen weeks for 2011. What have you done so far that makes you love being who you are?

This is already a mass of putrid thoughts that lead me here.
I can change this with a mere thought.
I can be who I can love.
And the science of attraction will attract love to me,

But why do I love those who do not love me?
What quirk of quantum physics is that?

It's easy when it's not so bad.

Rock bottom, and there is no song
written yet that will pull me up.
No line written on any paper that will divert me.
So down and out, so worn and dry, I'm lost

But here I am, floating in the darkest moment
Letting time lead me away,
each breathe a rung on time that will take me further away
from this languishing sinking sad hour

To when I will by default not linger here
that another scene, another happening,
another something will take over and I will not need
to be here, that I dont have to live through this.

‎13 week, 2011. Voices that lead you away tell you to do easy. Easy is my relationship with my self. As for the rest of it all, everytime I fall, everytime I hurt, at every rejection, interjection, hurdle, listen to me; at every hot hole - I'm still standing because I have myself. Someone else cannot dent me, cannot poke me, cannot scar me, willl never scare me. I am who I am because I own it.

Why Oprah? Why not you? What's so special about Oprah? Oprah is a fat black woman who had a bad start in life, she should be steeped in bitterness right now, licking her wounds, feeling sorry for herself for the rest of her life, not rolling around in her green dough like she is! So get over it!

Why not me? Why not? I have a dream. I have a dream everyday. Everyday I write it down, think it, live it. Why not? What else is there?

Week Twelve, 2011 - I might be what I want to be, but I am what I can be.

This is a low low low for me. This is the week Murphy is having his party on me! This is the week that I do not want to live through, but here it is. This is the week I want to step back, step out or just step away. I love this! This week is here, it happened and now it has to go! It is Friday, Babe, and the week is out! So, now that this is done with, what happened happened, what else could ever go wrong?
Aint no place lower than this, so up is the only way to go.
Its low here, I cannot see the top, so I know it is high. Better close my eyes and grit my teeth, because Babe I'm on my way up!