Week 21 - Summer is in the air!

I want nothing more than to be alone.
I just want the rest of everyone near me gone
No one here means anything,
The people who do, are tragically drawn
To those who dont.

Week 20 - Freaking out because there is nothing working

Sometimes it is better that things don't work out the way we want them to.
I find that after a lot of painstaking needs and wants and wishes. Writing to the Universe to give us what we want - and then getting it, it just doesn't work out like we hoped.
And this thing comes and bites us in the face!
If you have ever been slammed in the face by a door, or been elbowed in the centre of the face where the nose and the eyes meet. You would feel the immense pain that is. And sometimes wanting something badly enough, isnt just needing it. Cause when it comes, boy can it hurt and does it torment the living daylights out of you!
So be careful what you wish for, be careful what you ask of the Universe, because it will send it forth to you and sometimes you are better off just wanting and pining away than getting it, I am speaking from experience here!

Week 19 - Blogging about goals

Ive been sending messages on Facebook, hoping to motivate myself. Hoping to motivate someone else to come out and say, let us do it together. But nothing like that has happened. It is getting pretty old this year and time isnt waiting for me and you. What else could be keeping us so busy?

Week 18 - The truth that we cannot make the past the future is not clear.

Do you see the time ?
The people of the world
Living hour to hour
Making the noise in the pocket

Do realise what date it is?
When revelations are naught
And everyone is a messenger
Shamelessly instilling shame

So do you see the truth
Or is it the way you want to say it
Or the way it has to be when you want
Skillfully denying all else that is real

Week 17 - I want to know what it means to not want

I am catching up on blogs not written. I started the year with a weekly blog and I stopped somewhere at week 16. I stopped calling them by the week, but I blogged, and the sticker on Facebook, for that week, went on. But here goes the blogs, for that person in the 30th Century who will want to read this and find me to be someone who did not finish what she started.
Which I am so not!
There is something profound about this year. I think its the year of the crunch. The year I get real with myself and the year that my many idiosyncrasies leave me. I find this week the need to need a true friend. A real friend - no bones, no skin, no mask, no script kind of friend. Maybe I would put it on Facebook, but I dont have the energy to lure the loonies who have nothing better to do but torment a really tired person like me.
Thank you world for having this forum at this time of my life, because if it were not for this I would have had to wait for the circus to come to my town.

Week 16, 2011. Tornados blew over the world this week. People scorned the weather and asked why. I was outside most of the days in the whirlwind immersed in my work, and I faced the urgent winds and thanked the Universe for jostling. Because to me it said, the year is rushing as fast as I am, do you hear me?

I have no words here to say that will embrace the essense of my week.
What a week I've had.
I am riding on a magic carpet, and it feels like a high I have felt once before, when I first flew a plane solo. I got the title Captain then and at that time I knew I would need no other. Now I still need no title, for what I have done is nothing I thought I could do and seeing me do it is overwhelming me.
I am making my rookie mistakes and overcoming daunting hurdles, all with legal ties and snares. I want to say it is worth it, that I like this challenge, but I do not really.
I want to sit by the window and crochette and read books, maybe write one of my own, and drink in the world like a superb cup of tea.
This huge a challenge at this age in my life, is good for jostling my body and brain to keep in shape, and for me to know there is a reason why I still am needed here. But if there is a cost that I might pay that will jeapordise my sanctity, I want the Universe to know, I will not take that well.

Week 15, 2011. A prayer.

I want to begin this one with I. I want to say everything here with me and I. I want to say to myself that I am important to me. That I mean to do something immense with me.

I want to die having done all that I want.
I want to live knowing I have not wasted
I want to live with the truth that I really know me.
I want me to rely on she and I.

Pith

You know that sinking feeling in the pith of your being
In the morning that spells this day is going down the chute

You want to stay in bed
Not go towards the chaos

But staying is making it happen also
Because not doing anything is failure too

I know this sinking feeling I feel in the beginning of my day
That spells that I do not have any control of my life

I want to stay in this zone here
And not leave towards what might be

The same thing happens no matter how many times I do the same thing
To get something different I must do something differently

I know that feeling in the pith of my being, am I reading it wrong
That it is excitement, a jump start, and it is me who doesn't leap so it dies when the sun sinks.

Tasnim Jivaji April 14th, 2011.

This is the end of fourteen weeks for 2011. What have you done so far that makes you love being who you are?

This is already a mass of putrid thoughts that lead me here.
I can change this with a mere thought.
I can be who I can love.
And the science of attraction will attract love to me,

But why do I love those who do not love me?
What quirk of quantum physics is that?

It's easy when it's not so bad.

Rock bottom, and there is no song
written yet that will pull me up.
No line written on any paper that will divert me.
So down and out, so worn and dry, I'm lost

But here I am, floating in the darkest moment
Letting time lead me away,
each breathe a rung on time that will take me further away
from this languishing sinking sad hour

To when I will by default not linger here
that another scene, another happening,
another something will take over and I will not need
to be here, that I dont have to live through this.

‎13 week, 2011. Voices that lead you away tell you to do easy. Easy is my relationship with my self. As for the rest of it all, everytime I fall, everytime I hurt, at every rejection, interjection, hurdle, listen to me; at every hot hole - I'm still standing because I have myself. Someone else cannot dent me, cannot poke me, cannot scar me, willl never scare me. I am who I am because I own it.

Why Oprah? Why not you? What's so special about Oprah? Oprah is a fat black woman who had a bad start in life, she should be steeped in bitterness right now, licking her wounds, feeling sorry for herself for the rest of her life, not rolling around in her green dough like she is! So get over it!

Why not me? Why not? I have a dream. I have a dream everyday. Everyday I write it down, think it, live it. Why not? What else is there?

Week Twelve, 2011 - I might be what I want to be, but I am what I can be.

This is a low low low for me. This is the week Murphy is having his party on me! This is the week that I do not want to live through, but here it is. This is the week I want to step back, step out or just step away. I love this! This week is here, it happened and now it has to go! It is Friday, Babe, and the week is out! So, now that this is done with, what happened happened, what else could ever go wrong?
Aint no place lower than this, so up is the only way to go.
Its low here, I cannot see the top, so I know it is high. Better close my eyes and grit my teeth, because Babe I'm on my way up!

You know that Eleven Weeks are gone of 2011? If it is Friday, 18th March and 2011, then Spring is here. The cold days are gone and the fresh and new is here, take it the way it is, there are some really wonderful days coming for us!

The Secret to healthy living is in the neurons. How they fire, how they toll, how they sing. If the neurons have forgotten who they live inside, if they make their owner seem smaller than they, if they ever go overboard with shooting off their ends, then there are strict and drastic orders that need to be made.

One, live inside me, be me, make me, love me!

Two, fire for me, never at me, never ever forget what fires flare me up.

Three, you work for me, be my nerves never make me nervous.

Thank you, now be a spark and tickle my funny bone.

Week Ten 2011, I am an egg that only the most positive and happiest can fertilize. I am a seed planted to flourish. I am a soul soaked in sunshine.

What does one person say to another that can make the experience worth the time of life?

One can say we are, drifting in our own serum, breathing in ether, feeding off each other. What your words say, make us or break us and then we will die. Smile so I may see how beautiful I am.

Week Nine - what waits for you is your very own miracle. Go on, open your heart and believe.

I have a problem. My mind does not stop thinking. It thinks so much that I cannot do anything else sometimes but blare into my ears loud music, drumming out the racing space, to pack the notes and beat into shape my peace of mind.

 But lately I have noticed times when I do not have much churning inside there. There is utterly nothing. Nothing I can even think of inserting to chew on. There is Nirvana.

I call it Nirvana because it is strange, it is no nonsense and it is rather quiet.

Having lived with a man for more than two decades, I have one thing to say about my this condition. I have been inflicted with his simple essence. Either that, or I am more man than I have already admitted.

Week Eight, the year of 2011 - and so here I am, two months down the road and seeing how close I am to the completion of my wishes, how close I am is how I already live it!

So I believe in the power of the mind-set. I believe that whatever I want will happen and Heaven and Hell has to make it happen.

See that is it, Heaven being the good and Hell, well the other. So what I think is I should use Heaven more than Hell to get things done.

If I have it that way, I harness the awesome and that is what I become.

I see it, clearly. I step into it, and, here I am, I am living it.

Week Seven of the year of our Lord 2011 - No one notices when something good stops happening until the bad starts occuring.

I know that my children are not different from other children. They have their angers, their blame and their thoughts.

To save them from these, to tell them the real truth, I want to tell them everything, but it won't make a difference. I have to live now, with them flown off the nest, with what I have left.

If a mother loses herself in her children, who does she have when they have gone? Is the person lost, so lost that finding oneself is impossible? Or does that person never leave.

It does not take long, it takes long, whatever it is that a mother has to deal with in the aftermath, she must know that she won.

We mothers all win. We win because they are. And for that mother whose child dies before she does, I have words of solace. Do not cry, do not want, be not bitter, for that child has gone to where we all will go, and you were there all of the time.

Week Five 2011. Now that there are less than eleven months left to this year, there is no better time than to make the most of it. Come out of it looking better, smiling more and having had more hugs and kisses than ever.

I have a request to the karmic powers. I meditate and ask that I get powerful, positive and energetic people attracted into the sphere of my being. I want the goodness, the hyperactive love, the super-sonic purity and the surging volcano of laughter bursting constantly, a mighty spew to dump all into me.

I've been wondering how come I attract people in my life who do not care a hoot about me. I do have a few precious gems, so few, whom I love and cannot ever let know the extent of that love because it just might scare them and off they will run.

But now I've had it.

I read in a feng shui book once that brooms must never be seen in the front of a home. If you keep a broom where it will be seen in your house, it wards off visitors and so it should be always hidden. The book went on to explain however, that should you want to keep unwanted visitors at bay, then place a broom near your door and the unwelcome will be stalled. Well just so everyone knows, I do have a broom outside my home which if people want to, they will see, and I keep it to sweep the front of my home clean. But that does not keep the ugly away. Trust me, it does not.

I want to write this blog with the word 'I' as much as I possibly can, because it is about me and I am hoping that any person with a power enough to save me from my negative and selfish company will know that I want this more than I ever did anything.

Okay, I want to ask this, how hard is it for the Universe to render me with whom I am to spend the days of my life with. Not much. Good. So how much harder would it be to send people who understand the gist of preciousness of this life, who want to make this journey a treasuresome one, who want to leave this earth a better place than how we found it, to be with me, huh? How much harder is it send me smiling always, gentle companions, loving nature, doing what makes sense types?

I want spots to change, I want to swap the constant lesson on water conservation, waste management and simplicity for someone who knows it better so I can learn, I want to kick the blues of idiotic reasons and have a mentor in better reads and more knowledge so I can grow, I want to stop craving for understanding and unconditional and have mother the real, in the bosom of my home.

Now hard is that for the Universe? Get on with it, I want it by the end of the month!

Week Four 2011 - Maybe it's better never to chase dreams, and just go through life wanting to do so.

Sometimes, things just don't work out the way they have to be. I know, that goes around in my life quite a lot, and I really see that I am not alone in this. People they mask things, they invent things, they ignore things.

Ignoring is good. I like that, I recently discovered that. It works. I don't mean, see a bad thing happening and just look the other way. I mean see a bad thought coming and change my mind. Ignore that thought.

I like that it works. I like that it can be done and no one knows it's happening. I like that it makes a whole lot of a difference to the quality of my life. I like that it never fades if I don't allow it.

Fading is so drastic when one is aging. I am aging and it's not funny, it really isn't. Aging is like a license to letting go and I do not want to use it. Not yet, not when I have a license to be whatever I want because at my age, no one really cares and that keeps me off the radar to do just whatever I please.

And so whatever happens, I hope it happens because it is good for me, because I do not want to lose my dignity in this, and people they won't mask things or pretend it never happened, they won't ignore this. And then even if I want to I won't be able to change my mind about how I feel about things.

Week Three 2011 - People are afraid of what they want, of their desires. They stopped listening to their hearts, to their souls. And now they have their eyes, ears and minds set on whatever is left, whatever is easy to follow - led by the media to live in the shadow of their idols.

I can't imagine what has happened to me. I find myself changing rapidly. A new simplicity is dawning over my already simple mind.

Things I believed in are not making sense to me now and I want to spend less time on being that person and more time on being - just being authentically just merely human. The faithful in me is saying let some of it go, less is more.

If what I let go is important, I might lose myself into an abyss of doubt, or I flounder into a deep oblivion of
worthlessness.

Seriously, those thoughts though are not coming to my mind as I go through the day, only now when I write did they come up and so I write them down. What I feel is lighter, easier, and healthier than anything I have done.

This week I walked through the Malaysian Rainforest. Awe-inspiring is an understatement. You have not seen the earth that God made until you have walked in the shadows of the great rainforest and heard the the overpowering noisy nature and wilderness sing. To say that God is in us, that God is everywhere, is okay, but when you walk in a rainforest, I swear, when you are inside a rainforest you feel like you are inside God.

I am changed, I am growing and I am found.