Friday, June 24, 2016

I did not walk away, I just walked.


Last night, when we started our walk, I angrily brought up the fact that you do not do anything that I ask you to do at the time when I ask you, and that you will only do it, eventually - after several reminders, or that I, in needing that thing done, will just go and do it for myself, rather than face asking you over and over - which I have told you already several times - further fixes my belief that I am not really important to you.

So, last night, (it was a nice moonlit night) right at our doorstep, just as we were about to step out, instead of leaving all my angst on hold for a while and just go out and enjoy walking with you, I brought up the tree branch that I had asked you to prune for me almost a month ago. And of course, it ended up by me asking how come when I say something it is just not important enough to be done, yet when you ask for something, I do it immediately.

And then, thinking I had had my say, we began walking, but in a couple of steps I felt the loneliness crush down upon me as if a meteorite from the sky had dropped down and hit me, because I heard you release your breath and you started walking with the stance as if I had just bullied you. As if I was asking you to do a horrible deed, and not something that will make our life better for us.

I do not want to waste another living second being angry at you because you are perfectly and exactly what I want. For the rest of my life, I want to drop back and enjoy myself and you know this, because I have told you this over and over. Yet, here I am, knowing what I want for the rest of my life, being where I want to be and doing whatever I want to do, even to the man with whom I want to share my life with - you -, yet feeling like you do not want to be that man, or that you do not think it is important for you to be that man.

I know I get upset when things do not work out the way I want them to, and for this I know that I will go to the ends of the world to get what I want, not only for myself but also and more so for you.  Yet, you see me upset and you keep quiet, as if it is ok with you that I am, even though you know,  because I have told you this so many times, that the only sound my ears ache for when I flounder, is the sound of your voice and for that you need not go to any length of the world, you just need to say something, and not small talk, like you do, but something that will change the situation for me and become a moment that will be one of many moments that defines us, not this disconnect that is us.

Yesterday, last night, I was angry at myself for wanting you so much to be my man, or even to be just a friend. In the day, I had to ask you to fix it for me when our daughter was raging at me. I wish I did not need to ever ask you to do the simple things that makes you mine and me yours. And at night, at the tree-branch outburst, I was hurt that you did know how to be my man, nor my friend, and that your worries that I would shoot you down with my words were more prevalent than for you to simply soothe me by saying something meaningful, even if it was to say that you do not know what to say.

I told you I needed to walk alone, and I turned and walked in the opposite direction. I needed to seperate myself from you to find myself again, because I was lost badly in you, and at that time, in that moment, I had lost even the fragrance of myself, so far gone to even remember that I am more than a needy and whining type, that I am a cherished woman, and that I do not need you to sedate me with a few words from your mouth, nor should I crave for the words that you do not say. So that I do not need to tell you, my friend, that the reason was that I had had a horrible day was because my child called me names, and otherwise I had no satisfaction of being alive and being a non-contributor to our world, and that innocent tree branch need not become my outlet for whether you did or did not stand up for me, or that I felt alone and that is why I lost control over my feelings.  I can take a hundred such walks to adjust my emotions but it doesn't recreate my realities and I will only be happy when I drop my addiction to you so that I can handle my life and deal with it on my terms and on my time.

Be it as it may, that my problem was minuscule in the face of the many problems of the world, it is my problem and you are my man and you can at least hold me and make my tiny crack heal instead of breaking my heart with your stupidity at not seeing your not doing anything as a collapse of us.

I had to leave you standing on the driveway so that I could somehow trigger myself to love myself first, and not to depend on another's love. And to not be hurt that you do not see yourself as my sounding-board, therefore you do not ask me why I am upset, that it could not possibly be about that tree branch and that something else was the cause, and for you to want to know what it was and to help me through it. So I walked on my own and felt much better, and I looked up at the sparkling night sky to find the gap where the meteorite had been, but there was only magnitude and I felt the connection to the greater thing we all are part of until the reason that I turned away from you became irrelevant and that terrible silence that settled over you after that desperate sigh you emitted felt like it happened to another life-form in another time, that I know will happen again because that sigh meant that we were on that same old path again, and that no matter how many times I tell you, that I am not going that way, you seem to .... I do not know what you seem to want to do other than to run on the same rutted tracks we've made of our life.